Facing Rejection as a Writer and Human

Last month, my dream agent passed on my novel. She’s someone I have been tracking for years and represents very successful authors whose work is thematically similar to mine. But less than a week after sending my query, I got a form rejection. Now what?

We go through life facing one rejection after another, so why don't we become immune to it? Some rejections cut deeper than others and represent a form of heartbreak. If we’ve hung our dreams onto that chance we tried to take only to be turned down, it’s a much greater setback than something that means very little or is easy to pivot from. Many writers tell themselves, "If this agent accepts me for representation, she’ll sell my novel in a huge deal and I'll be able to write whatever I want and never have to worry again." The arrival of rejection heralds the death of that dream, at least for a while.

Obviously, that dream is impractical. So is feeling completely defeated after a single rejection. Depending on the context, most of us can deal with rejection in some form—we put an idea forward at work and our boss turns it down, or we swipe right on someone who doesn’t do the same. It might hurt a little, but it’s the sort of injury we can get over quickly. When I saw that my dream agent had passed on my novel, the rational part of my brain stepped in to soothe my battered feelings: "This is only one pass, not a rejection from every single person in all of publishing. Your real dream agent is someone who emphatically wants to represent your work, not this person. There are plenty of agents in the sea, keep trying."

Keep trying, that’s the crux of it. How do we move from the gut punch of rejection to feeling ready to try again? I’m only in my thirties so at this point, time and inexperience are on my side and I can rely on my own naïveté to see me through another few months, maybe even years. But at some point, if the rejections keep coming, I’ll have to make some difficult calculations about where I put my time and energy.

Maybe rejection is so painful because it’s a reminder that we aren’t in control. Being rejected means that we’ve asked for something we can’t do on our own, whether it’s personal or professional. Some people invert the energy of rejection, turning it into an “I’ll show you” mentality that makes them do things they never thought they were capable of, but I’ve never been that kind of person. I want to feel supported and I hate asking for help, so when I get the courage to do so I need positive reinforcement.

And yet, the rejection from my dream agent didn’t feel like a fatal blow. In part because I know there are so many agents available to query, and perhaps also because publishing my novel isn’t something I feel a lack of control over. Making the writing as pristine and compelling as possible, sending queries—these are things I can do. I also believe in my story enough that I know I’ll self-publish it if no one else will.

Facing rejection can be an opportunity to rethink what we actually wanted in the first place. For some writers, the act of telling a story or improving their craft is the most important experience. For others, it may be showing their work to other people and getting feedback on it. Plenty find motivation through seeking fame or critical approval. For those of us who don’t come from an artistic family, the act of being published might be the only way to show our loved ones how serious our writing “hobby” really is. We’re motivated by so many things, because we’re complicated creatures. Facing rejection is just another window into understanding what we want as we move through life, an opportunity to re-evaluate what we’re pursuing and why.

Preparing to submit to this agent gave me a new kind of energy with my writing that I haven’t had in a while. For the past 6 months or so, I’ve been moving along at a distracted, sauntering pace but an urgency to query her before she closed her submissions again meant that I got back into a routine of energetic, intentional writing and revising every day. I think that’s often the case when we go for opportunities that are potential sources of rejection—we push ourselves a little harder and learn to move in new ways. Hanging onto the ways we’ve grown and the hope we felt when reaching for something new is just one of many ways we can combat the sting of rejection as writers.

K.K. O'Brien is a writer whose work blends historical settings with the fight for social justice. Her fiction, reviews, and travel pieces have appeared in print journals and online. She is currently working on her first novel.